Can I Be a Crabby Old Man for a Moment?

I’m too old and too fat to sit in 20F. It’s as simple as that.

I flew to Denver this morning on the 8:10 flight out of Philadelphia. Little did I know that half of Philly commutes to the Mile High City on Monday mornings. Which resulted in me wedged into seat 20F on United 403. And I mean wedged.

I’ve been spoiled with too many first class seats and too much foie gras. I think the last time I was comfortable in 20F was when I was 17. That’s a long, long time ago. Plus, I have a little claustrophobia on top of all that. So, guess what? The putz in front of me throws his seat back to within 5 inches of my face as soon as we zoom up over the Delaware. Three freaking hours and 18 minutes of me breathing in his Au de Redneck cologne. Seriously, there was barely enough room to hold my paperback up. (I need it farther away from my face as I’ve aged too…remember, this is a crabby old man rant.)

As a topper, there was really bad weather in Denver. We were all asked to stay in our seats (as if I could get up anyways…the guy next to me was sleeping and sweating out garlic the whole time) an hour outside Denver. All of us, including the flight attendants. We rocked, rolled, and pitched our way in. We were met with a hailstorm as we waited in the deicing area. Yep, our gate was occupied.

I’m too old for this. I’m too crabby for this. I’m too claustrophobic for this.

That’s all. Now I’m going to get ready for my client meeting. I’m going to spend the rest of the night negotiating a better seat with United. Either that or I’ll be driving back. Heck, it’s only 1,557 miles as the crow flies. I need a bigger crow.

Posted on September 24, 2007
Filed Under Frank's World | Comments

Comments

  • Oh, Frank! I love it! I have to remember that prank!! Either that or eat something really garlicky and breathe on them.
  • Pax, ain't that the truth, brother? It used to be fun...that was a long time ago.

    PB, Amtrak can be just as bad sometimes. Ugh.

    Sarah, yep, I do know that one. I knew there was something out of whack.
  • Sarah Chambers
    There is such an easy way to get a great seat every time. And, you are one of few people who have access.
  • Ugh. Sounds like hell. And buddy, as a bit of a claustrophobic myself, I'd have been freaking out!

    Damn, remember when flying was fun?
  • I know exactly what you fucking mean! Why is it the asshole in front of you always, always has to lean back into your chest? I threatened the person in front of me saying if they didn't back the seat up some, that I would let the considerably large piece of gum in my mouth drop onto their head.

    I am sitting in Slamtrak waiting for my train to Harrisburg for a meeting tmrw.

    Chin up, Frank!
  • I angled for the Econ Plus...none available...craziness...I'm gonna dip into my kids' college fun so that daddy isn't uncomfortable...I should take my lumps...less time in purgatory.

    Rick, I never put my seat back. I just don't. Not saying it's wrong, just saying I don't do it. Here's what I did once on a flight when I had too much time, not enough room, and too many peanuts: I kept blowing on the guy's hair. That made him reach up and itch his head a whole bunch. That entertained me for an hour. Then, when I got bored with that I lined up a bunch of peanuts on the top of his chair. When he HAD to put his seat back in the full and upright position, a couple of the peanuts fell down the neck of his shirt. I damn near laughed through my nose. I didn't admit it, but I think he knew. One of the best pranks ever. Paybacks and seat backs are hell.
  • Anonymous
    Try "economy plus" in United. Its about $40 more for about 5 more, glorious inches.

    Even the WLCC is willing to reimburse for it (including our consultants!)
  • pure travel hell. What a way to start a week. Feel sorry for you Frank.

    Time to buy the corporate jet.

    And what's the etiquette when someone puts their seat all the way back? Is it OK to ask them to put it up a bit?
  • LOL! Sounds like a nightmare.
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