Ay, My Back

I’m getting older than dirt.

Today I’m completely laid up. I can barely move. Ay, my aching back. (When I was 11 or 12, a huge group of Puerto Rican women were out on Mike Milaro’s second-story porch when it collapsed. At least a dozen people hit the ground. Lots of them got seriously injured. And I can still hear one of the women screaming, “Ay, my baahhk. Ay, my baahk.” So now I say that all the time when my back hurts.)

The Nerve of It All
Yesterday, I had to push start my motorcycle because it had been a long while since it had been started. That process is no fun. The bike weighs on the order of 550 lbs. To get it started, I have to straddle it, pull in the clutch, do my best impression of Fred Flintstone, roll as fast as I can, let out the clutch, pull it back in. And…nothing. Sputter, sputter, sputter. Push the motorcycle back *up* the driveway. Lather, rinse, and repeat 3 times. Finally, the bike starts. And my back starts to sputter.

I Felt a Twinge
We went to the gym. And when I first started doing curls, I felt it. A twinge in my back. Kinda scary, but I kept going. I lifted weights for the next 30 or so minutes. Then I jumped on the extra cool VR bike and took a spin around the “coastline” for 30 minutes. Pegged my heart rate at 150 bpm. Was dripping with sweat. And I could barely walk.

Elvis the Pelvis and Enis the…
Something seized up in the girdle around my pelvis. (Go ahead and laugh.) It radiated out from about 3 vertebrae from the bottom. I could walk — but only stooped over like Grandpa in “The Princess Bride.” I felt like Inego Montoya was stabbing me in the back. So I did the only sensible thing. I kept going. I rode the recumbent bike for another 30 minutes. Then, I hobbled out of the YMCA.

I Can Be a Pain in the Ass, but This is in My Back, or, It Gets Worse
I decide to do the only rational thing I can think of when by back is ripped up. I decide that we should go out to dinner. Somehow I manage to shuffle into the restaurant. (Oh, did I mention that I took 4 Aleve not knowing that you’re supposed to take only one? And that they last about four hours? And that I took them about 3 hours before we went to dinner?) We eat cajun food, and I’m mostly okay. But toward the end of the meal, I can feel my back seizing up. I feel like it’s time to go. Only problem? I can’t.

I’ll Bite Your Kneecaps Off
I couldn’t walk. Not even a few steps. I was bent over at the waist, my back was seized up, and there was a restaurant full of people between me and the door. I had to ask Sheryl to wait several times while I held onto her shoulder and gasped. Somehow I fell into the car, smacked my head getting in, and then laid back in the seat and moaned like a zombie. (Did I mention that I once took a month off of work when I got a hangnail?) Dang, my back was killing me.

Here I Am on the Couch Doing My Impression of Jackie Gleason
When I woke up this morning I forgot that my back hurt. That lasted until I make it just about to the bathroom. Then it got really bad. I could barely make my way 15 steps back to the bed. Hunched over. Sucking wind. Something was wrong.

The Bonus Aspect of Being a Baby
Now the entire day has gone by. Sheryl has brought me breakfast (omelet, coffee, OJ, toast) and lunch (heirloom tomato sandwiches) so far. Reading material. Crossword puzzles. Michael Moore’s new book, “Mike’s Election Guide 2008,” and Doan’s Pills. Yep, they still sell those things. I’ve got a heating pad on my back and Doan’s in my gullet. Let’s see where this goes. At this point, my back is killing me, but I consider the room service second to none, so it’s a wash on how bad it is.

More soon. I have to lie down for a bit. And moan.

Posted on August 31, 2008
Filed Under Frank's World | Comments

Comments

  • My sympathies. I have never been limited by back pain (knock on formica), but every time I hear someone else mention it, I wonder when my luck will run out. I hope yours gets better :)
  • Thanks, Howard. This is a real surprise. I had a bunch of back pain when I was in my 20s, but did a bunch of exercise and it went away. This one is a real surprise. A few years ago I had something similar, and it went away as fast as it came. One day I was crippled, the next day I was completely fine. That made me think it was a disc. This time it's similar, with the exception of the fact that it's not going away. Yikes.
  • OWWWCH!
  • I'll say...and I've been such a baby about it too.
  • A Ha,
    Once more my warnings of the evil of exercise have come true!

    Just kidding, I've thrown my back out before ... the only way it will get better is to just lay off (or lay down) for a bit. Feel better.
  • You're right, exercise is killing me! My back's a little better today, but not great. I think it just has to heal itseld.
  • Merci
    Been there, muscle spasms, crone walk and all. Hope you feel better soon.
  • Thanks, Merci. I'm feeling a little better today, but wanted to go for my long walk -- 10 miles -- and can't even make it to the kitchen. Want this to go away.
  • Back pain has been a companion of mine for 20 years. There is no such thing as being "a baby" when it hurts so badly you cannot move. That sir, is the extent of the sympathy. As you describe your time at the gym pushing past that pain to continue to exercise I can only conclude that you are a world class athelete whose livelihood depends on maintenance of physical perfection or....you have completely lost your f'in mind! I suspect the latter.

    In order to run with the bulls it helps to be able to walk--unless being gored is one of the items on your list of life's experiences.

    Next time we talk I will share the story of when I was single, herniated a disc, laid down and then could not get up. There was a possibility of being there forever. At least I learned my lesson.
  • Rick, I hear ya, man. Went to the chiro today...and it was good. JUst a few sessions and I should be as good as new....that way I can get skewered by the bulls while I'm running upright.
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