Funny

Frank: The Black Sheep

by Frank Roche on March 12, 2009

in Funny

My friend, Bas, sent this to me. I laughed…he said sometimes I’m the black sheep. He’s right on.

Her Online Profile Says She’s 5’11

by Frank Roche on January 30, 2009

in Funny

Funniest friggin ad I’ve seen in years. I’ve watched it six times. You’ll figure out the title when you watch this.

Hat tip to Laurie at PunkRock HR.

This Sign is DOA

by Frank Roche on January 14, 2009

in Funny

I saw this sign in the bathroom in O’Hare. I thought the guy falling down combined with the DOA note was plain old funny. Then again, the funnier part was me getting close to the floor in a public bathroom to take a picture. I didn’t look too much like Larry Craig.

doa_custodial

Our Christmas Letter 2008

by Frank Roche on December 24, 2008

in Frank's World, Funny

The Choose-Your-Response, Mad Libs Way of Looking at a Life Led in Suburban Philadelphia.

Well, another [year has flown by, one bites the dust, Christmas letter that you can make fun of]. We’re all getting [older, more beautiful, increasingly boring] and hopefully a little [wiser, funnier, drunker].

We’re [preparing, battening down the hatches, moving] in anticipation of the Mottet [clan, sect, Mafia] coming to visit our house for [a few days, a week, an eternity]. Yep, we’ll be hosting [31 additional people from Sheryl’s family, everyone who can fit in Kinnick Stadium, the Barbarian Hordes] over [Christmas, the decade, an eon] and New Year’s. Each year one of the [families, saints, suckers] hosts the [festivities, 24-hour diner, modern day Woodstock]. This year it’s our [turn, responsibility, bummer].

Here’s the part where we [glow with pride, gloat like suburban helicopter parents, make you feel like a slacker] as we talk about our kids and all our [incredible accomplishments, sickening overachievements, blind luck] in 2008. We just want you to know that we [think of you often, had to look long and hard for your mailing address, hope you lost our phone number].

Stephen is a high school sophomore. He’s a [star soccer player, brilliant student, 2nd Degree Black Belt]. He can speak [French, Chinese, Spanish] fluently and plans to be able to [speak 15 languages, go to college in Tokyo, solve world peace]. And to think, at his age my major accomplishment was [winning the Illinois Junior Science Fair, pop riveting a stop sign to the floorboard of my VW Beetle, growing sideburns].

Matt is a high school senior. He’s busy [filling out college applications, working at Circuit City, sending text messages]. He’s already been accepted at [a prestigious school, cooking school, reform school], so that’s good news. Now he’s just waiting to hear back from [his school of choice, a college on the East Coast, the most expensive college in the United States].

Dan is in his junior year at Carthage College in Kenosha, Wisconsin. He’s majoring in criminal justice and would like to be a police officer when he’s done to [help people, make the community safer, hear “Don’t tase me, bro”]. With his busy schedule, we don’t get to [see him much, feel short next to him, interrogate him] but in this day and age of electronics, he is usually on-line and we can chat most every day.

Frank’s company is [five years old, unexplainable in Iowa, looking for a government bailout]. He [made a good decision, went kicking and screaming, had his life ruined] when he sold his [motorcycle, donkey, soul] on eBay. After that [sale, fiasco, excruciating pain], he [put his Alfa Romeo on the blocks, went into seclusion, cried like a baby]. Now there’s plenty of room in the garage for [Matt’s Jeep, Sheryl’s Jaguar, a gigantic sign that says, “You’re old and won’t ever have any cool toys anymore”].

Sheryl is still a [math tutor at the high school, founder of Volunteers Sans Frontiers, a modern-day Dr. Doolittle] and tutors kids on the side. The other hours of the day are spent [running to boy’s events, wondering why there are so many boys in the house, rolling her eyes at the juvenile boy’s sex jokes at the dinner table]. That’s what she said.

Snickers the Wonder Dog and Benny the Curious Cat [remind us daily how much we are loved, sleep most of the day, are bed hogs]. They greet everyone that comes to visit as if [they came to see them, we never trained them, we are running an illicit operation in our basement]. The fish continue to [multiply, swim, talk like the Amazing Mr. Limpit] and the household is [as it should be, inexplicably clean, going to miss us when Sheryl and I move to Manhattan once the boys go to college]. (She doesn’t know I wrote that last one.)

You can [fill in the rest, be thankful I didn’t write more, drip with jealousy]. We’ve been [really lucky, obsequious, clairvoyant] in 2008. Sheryl and I stand poised to join [AARP, Club Med, a kibbutz] this year. Happy holidays.

One of the Best Stories Ever

by Frank Roche on December 15, 2008

in Funny

Ah, the things a guy will do when he’s 16 and his friend says, “Let’s take my dad’s car for a spin.” This story by my buddy Rich Mennenoh, The Tuna, really cracks me up. The last sentence is the clincher.