My Tire Wasn’t the Only Thing Blowing in the Wind on I-95
Just a Little Tire Vibration
When I was driving to a client meeting in Northern Jersey last Monday I noticed that I had a little tire vibration when I went above 70 mph. That’s unusual for my car, but I guessed that it was a wheel out of balance and pressed on. I got there and back no problem. I wasn’t so lucky last night.
It Was a Little More Than Just a Little Tire Vibration (or, Frankie’s a Little Slow on the Draw)
As Sheryl and I were driving on I-95 just north of the airport, my right rear passenger tire’s sidewall blew out. At the time I was in the second-to-the-leftmost lane. I had to cross 3 lanes of traffic with cars going 75+ mph and get on the shoulder. Thankfully, Sheryl prevailed on me to roll along a little bit and that took a corner out of play and got us on the early entrance part of an exit. Still, cars were flying by.
I Have AAA, but I’m a Tire Changing Machine…or Fool
Now, you should know this: I’ve changed a lot of tires in my life. And even though it’s a hassle, I know how to make it happen. That’s when my overconfidence kicked into gear. First, I’ve never changed a tire on this car. And in good BMW tradition, every single piece that I needed to make tire changing happen was bolted down and stored in its own special spot. About that time, Sheryl got out of the car with the owner’s manual and crossed the guardrail. She said she’d look out for cars that didn’t realize we were broken down and on the shoulder. I’d have to use my jungle-cat reflexes to jump out of the way in case some idiot didn’t see my fat ass. Ah…but they did.
They Can See Your Crack
I finally got down to business. The lugs nuts were tighter than Britney Spears’ jeans after a Frozen Macchiatto binge at Starbucks. Unfortunately, my dress pants weren’t quite that tight, and when I was hauling and tugging on the lug wrench with every bit of my strength, Sheryl said these words of encouragement: “They can see your crack.”
If I Won the Lottery, the First Thing I’d Do Is Buy a New Ass, Because Mine Has a Crack in It
Just great. I can’t get the lugs nuts off and people driving down the road, already happy that a Beemer is broken down, now see my ass hanging out in the wind. And Sheryl’s embarrassed. At that point I said, “I don’t care! I’m breaking my back doing this. I mean, look, it already cracked my ass.” But I stood up and took a different tack. I couldn’t pull on the lug nuts because I’d be doing a Britney to South Philly, so I decided to stand on the lug wrench.
Sometimes Gravity Is My Friend
I’m glad I get the 3 pancakes breakfast at Paoli Diner, because without it, Sheryl and I would still be stranded on I-95. Instead, it took all my bulk, plus me bouncing on the lug wrench, to get the lugs loose. But it worked. And once that happened, I had the tire changed (carefully concealing my backside) and we were on our way to the ballet. (More on that later.)
A Few Life Lessons I Learned While Changing a Tire on I-95
- There’s no such thing as “just a little tire vibration”
- I-95 isn’t one of the best places to have a blowout
- If you’re gonna go commando, at least wear a shirt that’s long enough to cover your ass in case you have to bend down and change a tire because you didn’t follow Rule #1
Posted on April 27, 2008
Filed Under Travel |
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7 Responses to “My Tire Wasn’t the Only Thing Blowing in the Wind on I-95”
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Hi, it's me, the guy whose name is at the top of the page. I'm on the left doing my best impression of Mr. Magoo. Those are my boys Steve and Matt. They're a lot bigger than me now, but I like this picture from last summer, so I'm going with it. -
I couldn’t laugh too much, because I have had one or two similar experiences (except for the coverage issues, thankfully).
In one instance I called AAA, but they took so long to get there that I just went ahead and risked it. In the other case I decided it wasn’t that busy on the highway, and then the traffic magically picked up as soon as I got the wheel off the pavement with lugs already loosened. By the way, I’ve found the stand-on-wrench method quite effective.
Having related that, let me just say I’m glad you (and whatever’s left of your dignity) made it through the ordeal.
Glad you and the missus were not hurt.
Funny what people care about. I would not have cared if your ass was showing as much as you getting done as quickly as possible. Of course I am not married to you so the dynamics are a bit different.
I guess you knew about the locking lugnut. That and a tiny jack are what threw me the last time I had to change a tire and I was not on the highway.
Oh Man!
That was one of the funniest things you ever posted…now of course, I am laughing with you (really, I am…)
That said, I’ve changed many a tire in my day, but unlike you, my friend, I live by one of my mother’s mantra’s , “Make sure you are wearing clean underwear, you never know when you’ll be changing a tire on I95!”
Pax, it was comedic gold…nothing like a little scatology to make the day go by.
And Mama Romano was right…I should have put that down as Rule #4.
Rick, thanks man. It was all good, but too often you hear of those stories where someone careens off the main road and hits a car while someone is changing a tire. LOL…it’s a guy/girl thing. At that moment I was going for speed, not dignity.
Howard, I have a AAA, but I figured I’d be on the road for too long and…exposed. So, what’s left of my dignity went to the ballet. And I kept my shirt pulled down. LOL.
HA! funny story. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it today :). Sorry you had to go through such an awful time, though.
Hi Moni. I’m glad…it was an embarrassing story, but I’m almost old enough to not care.
LOL! Frank, you really are a great writer. That was an excellent read.