Funny

No One Puts Baby in a Binder

by Frank Roche on October 17, 2012

I loved the Binders Full of Women comment by Mitt Romeny last night. If that cracked you up, check these out. There’s more.

Bull Moose on a Bull Moose

by Frank Roche on October 10, 2012

in Funny

Teddy Roosevelt is my favorite president. I’ve read a dozen biographies. And I could read dozen more.

Many of you know that TR was a sickly child. Asthma. General malaise. But his parents didn’t just let him sit around. They sent him outdoors. They taught him. And Tr decided to remake himself into a strong version of himself.

When TR was 14, his father decided that the family should sail down the Nile for a year an learn about ancient Egyptian history. They had tutors. And experiences.

When an assassin shot him in 1912, TR shook it off and kept going. The Wisconsin Historical Society writes:

On October 14, 1912, Theodore Roosevelt was shot in Milwaukee by would-be assassin John Schrank, who had stalked him for three weeks through eight states. With a .38-calibre bullet still in his chest and blood soaking through his clothes, Roosevelt nevertheless addressed an audience of 9,000-12,000 people in Milwaukee Auditorium for 80 minutes, joking at one point that “It takes more than one bullet to kill a Bull Moose.”

He talked for 80 minutes with a bullet in his chest. (His 50-page speech and a set of reading glasses kept him from being killed.) And as you can see in the picture below, he rode a moose.

One tough hombre. They don’t make ’em like that anymore.

(via)

Be Obsequious, Purple, and Clairvoyant

by Frank Roche on October 2, 2012

in Frank's World, Funny, Music

I grew up in the Let’s Get Small era. I knew every word and every gesture that Steve Martin did. My friends and I would act out King Tut randomly throughout the day. In 1978, I parked by the Union Stock Yards along with thousands of crazy Steve Martin fans and saw Steve Goodman open for him in a sold-out International Amphitheater.

And to this day I still sing, “Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant” when it suits the occasion. (Believe me, I wedge those words in somehow.) So I smiled this morning when by chance I heard Grandmother’s Song. I knew every word. Strange how that works that I can remember something so vividly from 35 years ago. But I still forget the milk.

Click to hear Steve Martin’s Grandmother’s Song

I Wanna Steal Your Heart — and Eat Your Brains

by Frank Roche on July 29, 2012

in Funny

Zombie Love Song by Your Favorite Martian

Zombie Love Song
You don’t know me, baby, but I’ve seen you around.
It might be kind of crazy, but I’m just new in town.
And now I wonder what you’d think if I said, hey look
I’d like to get your number and a link to your Facebook.
Now if I tell you what a nice guy’s supposed to
Would that compel you not to scream when I approach you?
You’ll have to promise me you’ll take this news calmly,
But honestly, I’m sort of a zombie.

I knew you’d be surprised. You can bet that I
May not be alive, but I sure as hell ain’t dead inside.
What’s with the shotty? I ain’t wishing you harm.
You see, I’d try to hold your hand but I’m missing an arm.
Brains are all I’ve eaten all week it’s true,
But if my heart were still beating, it would beat for you.
So let me take you to Wendy’s. You deserve it.
Yeah, I’m a zombie, baby. Ain’t nobody perfect.

I’ll chase you through the yard and all through the house into the dark.
I wanna steal your heart and eat your brains.
I’ve never been so true, but if my heart were still beating, it would beat for you.
I wanna steal your heart and eat your brains.

Baby, sometimes I bite, and you can bet
That I’ve got an appetite for human flesh.
I’ll always be near though. You’ll have to accept that

When I nibble on your earlobe you might get infected.
Cause I fell in love with you and I’m
Undead but you make me feel alive.
And when I chase you through the graveyard
It feels like foreplay.

If I’m lying I’m dying, and I speak truly
When I say I love your mind. I’ll take brains over beauty.
We’ll be the undead Dagwood and Blondie
When I teach you how to zombie, teach you, teach you how to zombie.
And everybody will love you, and you can sing along
to this post-apocalyptic, postmortem love song.
So give me a chance,girl. You know I’ll be worth it.
Yeah, I’m a zombie, baby. Ain’t nobody perfect.

Brains. Brains. Brains. Brains.
Brains. Brains.